18 September 2010

Offended by Rank Objectification of Writers

Disclaimer: This is not mine. I found it by following a link from a friend and it made me laugh, then wince, then look for the hidden camera in my office. 

There is this thing currently going around tumblr about why dating a writer is good. I think it’s nice that this thing is going around, because I like writers, and lots of us could use more dates. As a writer who has dated people, though — including other writers — I would like to offer some correctives to this list.
The items in bold are the alleged reasons to date a writer. I have replaced the original commentary with my bleak corrective, in lightface.
  1. Writers will romance you with words. We probably won’t. We write for ourselves or for money and by the time we’re done we’re sick of it. If we have to write you something there’s a good chance it’ll take us two days and we’ll be really snippy and grumpy about the process.
  2. Writers will write about you. You don’t want this. Trust me.
  3. Writers will take you to interesting events. No. We will not. We are busy writing. Leave us alone about these “interesting events.” I know one person who dates a terrific writer. He goes out alone. She is busy writing.
  4. Writers will remind you that money doesn’t matter so much. Yes. We will do this by borrowing money from you. Constantly.
  5. Writers will acknowledge you and dedicate things to you. A better way to ensure this would be to become an agent. That way you’d actually make money off of talking people through their neuroses.
  6. Writers will offer you an interesting perspective on things. Yes. Constantly. While you’re trying to watch TV or take a shower. You will have to listen to observations all day long, in addition to being asked to read the observations we wrote about when you were at work and unavailable for bothering. It will be almost as annoying as dating a stand-up comedian, except if you don’t find these observations scintillating we will think you’re dumb, instead of uptight.
  7. Writers are smart. The moment you realize this is not true, your relationship with a writer will develop a significant problem.
  8. Writers are really passionate. About writing. Not necessarily about you. Are you writing?
  9. Writers can think through their feelings. So don’t start an argument unless you’re ready for a very, very lengthy explication of our position, our feelings about your position, and what scenes from our recent fiction the whole thing is reminding us of.
  10. Writers enjoy their solitude. So get lost, will you?
  11. Writers are creative. This is why we have such good reasons why you should lend us $300 and/or leave us alone, we’re writing.
  12. Writers wear their hearts on their sleeves. Serious advice: if you meet a writer who’s actually demonstrative, be careful.
  13. Writers will teach you cool new words. This is possibly true! We may also expect you to remember them, correct your grammar, and look pained after reading mundane notes you’ve left for us.
  14. Writers may be able to adjust their schedules for you. Writers may be able to adjust their schedules for writing. Are you writing? Get in line, then.
  15. Writers can find 1000 ways to tell you why they like you. By the 108th you’ll be pretty sure we’re just making them up for fun.
  16. Writers communicate in a bunch of different ways. But mostly writing. Hope you don’t like talking on the phone — that shit is rough.
  17. Writers can work from anywhere. So you might want to pass on that tandem bike rental when you’re on vacation.
  18. Writers are surrounded by interesting people. Every last one of whom is imaginary.
  19. Writers are easy to buy gifts for. This is true. Keep it in mind when your birthday rolls around, okay?
  20. Writers are sexy. No argument. Some people think this about heroin addicts, too.
    (Source: 52hearts)
    Cite Arrow reblogged from douglasmartini


    LK Hunsaker said...

    Love this! Especially the first one and the heart on the sleeve bit.

    Isabel Roman said...

    HAHAHA! Oh this is great. :)

    The Life I Write said...

    OMG I am seriously rolling with laughter here... of course we laugh because its funny, and we laugh because its TRUE!

    Jeffe Kennedy said...

    I loved this when I saw it a few days ago. I'm particularly chagrined to confirm I sometimes reference scenes from my recent fiction that have bearing on the current discussion...

    Joanne Stewart said...

    That's seriously hilarious. Because 90% of it's true. lol Thanks for the giggle.

    Emma said...

    I love the bit about not talking on the phone. I still don't know how I feel about answering machines. I used to be able to let the phone ring 'till people got fed up and went away. And I still remember the look of shock on a man's face when I told him there was no point in my giving him my cell phone number. It's never on. "Well, turn it on," he said. "Why? Who's going to call?" I said. "No one has the number."

    Stacey Joy Netzel said...

    This is great, and yes, mostly true! And Emma, I'm with you on the phone. I tell people who DO have the number to not bother leaving me voicemail's because I don't know how to access them(nor do I want to). I only check for text messages when I have a reason to use the phone. Which is usually when I'm out of the house, and that's not very often. :)

    Unknown said...

    KEENA--so funny and so true! Thanks for the diversion--I needed that. Celia

    Maggie Toussaint said...

    what fun! Someone wrote a blog about me. Now to get it in front of my husband so he'll quit thinking I'm the only deranged person in the world.

    Keena Kincaid said...

    I'm with y'all on the phone. I have a smart phone that I use for everything but calling someone. I hate to talk on the phone and never do it unless my parents or a business call.

    Over the years, my friends have all learned to text me if they want a response within a day or two.

    Anna Kathryn Lanier said...

    Thanks for passing this along. It's too funny....and unfortuantely, mostly true.

    Unknown said...

    Hilarious and true in so many ways. :)

    Margaret Tanner said...

    Very true observations. They gave me a laugh. Just what I need before trotting off to work. Should make the day more bearable.



    Caroline Clemmons said...

    This was so clever I'm forwarding it to several people.

    Leigh D'Ansey said...

    It's terrible - I can relate to a lot of this!

    Liana Laverentz said...

    I thought I was the only person who hated to talk on the phone. Wow. I agree. About 90% of this is true. Sad, but true :)

    Sandra Crowley said...

    Totally fun and oh, too true. Thanks for starting my week on a giggle.

    Stephanie Burkhart said...

    Keena, this is awesome and I got a great chuckle out of this. #2 stuck out to me. Writers will write about you. No, you don't want this because for me, it's usually an antagonist I'm framing. *wink*

    Good reading with the morning coffee.